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"Karma is for closers!" It's the SquaredCircle Stock Report, May 25th 2017
It's been a tough week on the exchange. A very negative market means that you wouldn't be blamed for being unadventurous and sticking with safe picks. With that said, our analysts are bold, and have the following recommendations for you:
Aleister Black: They say no man is truly good, and no man is truly evil. “They” have clearly never been on Squaredcircle. Mall Goth Heath Slater is big money this week, with a mountain of untapped Sumerian Death Squad matches and promos still to be rinsed dry of all joy by the angry fun sponges next door. Sure, he’s not cut a promo and has only faced jobbers, but SC has never overjerked anyone at that stage in their careers, ever. So it’s fine. He’s also not a Satanist, you fucking casual. Black candles, satanic imagery, and coming up out of the ground like a corpse make him an occultist, and that’s apparently that's different and very important if you’re the sort of person who starts shrieking if your chicken tenders aren’t cut up symmetrically by mother.
Jinder: Week one and Wreddit is tipping in full favour of the Mid-week Masala (shut up, it’s close enough for the pun to work). A fresh face at the top of the card with as many talking points as he has spots on his shoulders. There’s a ton of mileage in Gurv & Harv, too, especially when Randy is throwing them around. You can rinse these guys dry until the inevitable Punjabi Prison match in the next couple of months.
Gargano & Ciampa: The two vanilla-est of midgets did the surprise heel turn angle that literally half the board saw coming this week. So half the roster got sports-entertained, the other half got to feel smart. So there’s mileage in slagging the one with the shit beard and no hope of ever holding a belt on the main roster, and praising the one with the nice hair who has no hope of ever holding a belt on the main roster. DAE Glorious bomb? DAE Shared apartment? XD XD XD
British Strong Style: WWE's raiding of the underneath of bridges in England came to fruition this week, as two men who looked like they were made of left over parts were allowed to smack the shit out of each other in the middle of Takeover for a half hour. SC fapped themselves dry, then bloody over their movesets and workrate, which they will 100% be allowed to bust out in the three minute slot they're given repping 205 live on Raw in six months time. It's time to post every tweet, GIF and shittily shot YouTube promo video you can find for that "I look like my sister is also my mother" karma.
WhatCulture: The tide is turning against the four lads from the North who couldn’t wait to be better than you and ignore your tweets. Despite burning through whatculture’s money like an Arab prince at a casino, they’ve somehow managed to fuck up their cast iron business plan of hiring big international names, putting them in an expensive venue, paying a crew to film and edit it, then putting it up for free on youtube for mouthbreathers to leave comments like “FIRST” and “LUL PLUMPY” under. I know, I don’t understand how they aren’t all millionaires either. Anyway, this is roughly the 63rd time this year they’ve had to put out an apology or explanation video that disguises the very simple fact that they have less business acumen than Montgomery Brewster, and the audience is growing weary. The 12 year olds will still downvote you and argue they’re funny, but posting during school hours will see -10 reasons why you should bother.
Nakamura: After WWE did everything they could to ruin his push short of dressing Ziggler up like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffiny’s at Backrash (it’s funny because it’s lacist!) SquaredCircle has decided it’s edgy and cool to make him earn his spot, despite creaming their jeans over the end of Smackdown. The uncertainty is shortlived, but for right now expect a few “Why do people even think he’s special?” and "he hasn't been impressive in WWE" comments from people who stay inside all day in case mummy stops drinking long enough to feel like hugging them today.
Indiasplaning: What, saying that an entire country are stupid marks is racist? Fuck you. They are. I never get worked. Or on the other hand, allow me to share with you how I am not like other wrestling fans, I am enlightened and I understand that brown people also have mouth breathing fucktards amongst them who over analyse all the joy out of other people’s opinions to fill the gaping holes in their self worth. Either way, posts about Indian fandom are as tired as a five day old pakorah. You might feel a little bit better about yourself, but it's unlikely.
Critical thinking:Sigh. As we reach peak-post-wrestlemania, the board is as bitter as it can possibly be. Old hands are jaded at the backwash of excitable new posters, who are in turn desperate for the buzz that brought them in before Wrestlemania, but unable to find it. Instead, they’re channeling it into desperately proving that they belong by picking fights and pulling apart any post they can find that doesn’t match the prevailing circlejerk in the thread. Like the school bully’s best friend, the amount of AKERSHULLY that happens in every thread is at an all time high. Forget firing off a casual reply whilst taking a dump like 80% of Reddit. You need to spell, fact and triple check your post, and then still be prepared to be told how your opinion is entirely wrong anyway because you got the font on Jinders' belt's side plates wrong or something, as if that was ever on any planet in the space time continuum worth correcting someone over.
…Dive: …Dead, more like. No karma left in this, everyone's bored.
Le Mods: Sure, they sweep up the mentally deficient ramblings in new, cut most of the spoilers out before they reach people and spend all day every day dealing with a mod mail queue that resembles playtime supervision at the day release center, but fuck them anyway. They asked for feedback this week and oh boy is it time for an airing of the grievances. You could do a better job. You know what’s best. If only everyone would do things the way you insist is the best on the messageboard that you spend ten hours on every day discussing your fake fighting soap opera. Those cunts. One day they'll listen. Don’t come to school tomorrow.
Finn Ba(y)lor: He looks like someone sucked all the water out of Harry Styles, and when he talks sounds like the one girl who politely turned you down after your half hour monologue about the measurements of official championship replica belts. The jerk train has left the station for greener pastures, and Raw’s leather leprechaun is now not cool any more. Sorry. Consider other misshapen British dwarves like Pete Dunne.
That's it for this week. Tip your waiter, get some fresh leads and hit the skids, kid. Our analysts are here to advise you if you need it, leave a message after the beep.